Beyond Survival

Twenty-nine years ago, when my husband and I were married, it was pure bliss! We were young, both 21, and our brains were so full of dopamine that we couldn’t see through the love in our eyes to the reality of our situation. You see, we had both graduated from college, but the job market had taken a nosedive in the early 90's so neither of us was able to find employment. Those first few months we truly did live off of love! In fact, we had a very small amount of savings and some money from our wedding gifts that helped us get by and my in-laws were gracious enough to feed us dinner every Sunday night while we did our laundry at their house! We spent our days sleeping in late, doing a little job-hunting here and there, mountain biking, going to the park, ordering takeout for dinner and watching VHS movies...you get the picture. We had little responsibility and a lot of time on our hands. It was fun! At first, that is.

Then we started to worry. Our fantasy was quickly turning into a nightmare and our tiny bank account dwindled to nearly nothing. There was no job on the horizon for either of us, so our angst and fear of the future started to affect our relationship. We got snappy with each other. I got tearful and he didn’t know what to do with me.

Soon after, we both found good jobs. But what we learned in this first season of marriage and the strain it brought, was how very different we were. Dave is admittedly bossy. I’m typically compliant but don’t respond well to being bossed so I become embarrassingly passive-aggressive. Dave’s a bit messy and I am a compulsive clean-freak. He loves a good healthy “discussion” and even earned the nickname “the instigator” in college. Arguments in my family turned aggressive many times, so as an adult, I found myself terrified of any kind of confrontation. He’s spontaneous, I’m a planner. Clearly, we were clueless about these differences and you can see how they might create some challenges in our marriage.

For example, a couple of years ago we had a moment where our personality types collided, ironically as we were getting ready to speak at a marriage class! We were scheduled to speak at the 6:30PM event, but we were planning to attend the leader time beforehand, which started at 5:30PM. I knew this was going to be a challenge, so I cleared my afternoon schedule and meticulously worked my timeline backward to ensure the maximum amount of productivity. By my calculations, Dave would need to be home by 4:20PM in order to stick to the schedule.

Dave’s timeline was far less rigid. While mine was very linear, very focused, he had meetings scheduled all the way up to 4 pm. He then figured, at 4 pm, that he had “about an hour” to get some things done and get home. So after his meetings, he started answering emails, fixing a cup of coffee, and making some phone calls. At this point, he realized his time was getting crunched, but tomorrow was his day off and he didn’t want to leave a dirty coffee cup on his desk. So, after collecting his things, he proceeded to take the cup to the kitchen and wash it out. Of course, on the way out he realized the trash needed to be emptied, so, why not multi-task? What’s more, on his way to the kitchen, he inevitably runs into two or three people and finishes up some “quick” conversations. Getting the picture?

Well, by the time he gets in the car it’s 4:50PM. Now, mind you, he’s feeling pretty good about time right now, but you remember my timeline, right? By my calculations, he’s already late by 30 minutes! But Dave isn’t on the same militant schedule and he suddenly remembers that we’re out of coffee at home, so he figures it a good time to stop at the store and get coffee “real quick”, thinking to himself all the while, “Oh, my wife is gonna be so happy we have coffee tomorrow morning!” Cheerfully setting the Nespresso bag in the passenger seat, Dave continues his trek home, but to his dismay, the traffic stops and he realizes that he didn’t account for one thing...the drawbridge.

Our following text conversation quickly unmasked our very different approach to what was ultimately the same goal. And, although we laugh at such stories now, in the early years I might have taken Dave’s meandering, spontaneous planning as a lack of consideration and my resulting attitude toward him would have almost certainly led to conflict.

The truth is, our opposing personalities haven’t changed, but we made a decision years ago to embrace a few simple yet deep convictions that have helped us not only push past these differences but actually capitalize on them. These three small beliefs have not only helped us survive but truly thrive in our marriage and if you practice them, you can too.

We believe the Word of God. The Bible is our firm foundation. When we put our trust in God’s promises and principles, our faith will grow deep roots that will help us weather the storms that undoubtedly come. God’s Word says, “But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit.” (Jeremiah 17:7-8)

We believe in marriage. No matter how hard life can be, marriage works! Research shows that the “common denominator between marriages that survive and those that fail is this – hope.” The couples who stick it out, don’t allow themselves to be deceived by the media and Hollywood that most marriages don’t make it. They stand against the mentality that “getting out” is an option when things get tough. They cling to the hope that hard times come AND GO like the seasons. As the Apostle Paul reminds us: “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” (1 Corinthians 13:7)

We believe in each other! It’s critical that you always believe the best in your spouse. You are not each other’s enemy. There is an enemy, but it’s not your spouse. The Bible tells us to, “Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.” (1 Peter 5:8)

Don’t let the enemy “devour” your marriage. You can protect your marriage by filling in the gap between your expectations and reality with trust. The truth is, even in a moment of conflict, your spouse loves you deeply. Don’t jump to conclusions. Instead, make a conscious decision to direct your thoughts toward all the good things your spouse does for you rather than dwelling on the little things that irritate you.

And guess what? You do things to irritate the daylights out of your spouse, too! Shocking, I’m sure! Remember the golden rule? Jesus said, “Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you.” (Matthew 7:12)

Speaking from my own experience, most of our biggest arguments over our many years of marriage are long forgotten. If you want your marriage to survive AND thrive, choose to believe...in God’s Word, in marriage, AND in your spouse. All the rest will work itself out!