A Life in Recovery

“I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ, saved by grace from a drug and alcohol addiction, and they call me Ryan.”

When I introduce myself at Celebrate Recovery, this is generally how I do it. I start with the most important thing about me: I am a believer in Jesus, a son of the Most High King. I am an individual whose life has been radically changed by the love and grace of God. I haven’t always identified myself this way, and it’s certainly not how those around me, (watching my life spiral out of control) would have described me. 

To go forward, we often need to go back. Back to the beginning of the story. I am the third child of four born into a good and loving family. Not a perfect family, but a family with a mom and dad that tried their best to guide and love their kids. I always attended church with my family growing up. I went to the youth group and sang in the kid's choir. I went to church not because I wanted to, but because my dad required it. I didn’t have a relationship with Jesus and really didn’t know that was an option. 

Fast forward to middle school, and that’s where I started to struggle. Sixth grade is the grade where they dump little kids together and tell them to find their people to survive. Well, I am not the smartest or coolest person and I’m terrible at every sport. So it was clear: I didn’t fit in. I didn’t feel like people liked me, and honestly, I began to not like myself. Those feelings developed into depression, anxiety, and fear. My parents, wanting to help, took me to my first therapist, and I started medication. If middle school was hard, high school was impossible. 

High school was marked by more mental health struggles, and once I started to get bullied, I lost control. I began self-harming and ended up being hospitalized for the first time. I fell into a pattern of doing okay, going to school, feeling overwhelmed, shutting down, hurting myself, and going back to the hospital. Repeat and repeat. At that time, the coping mechanism I went to was self-harm. Certainly not a healthy way to deal with life, but it’s what I knew. Being mentally ill became my identity. 

I remember as I was going through that time, I got drunk with my older brother for the first time. We drank a bottle of booze together and felt sick as dogs. However, I didn’t feel depressed, anxious, or afraid. I felt like I had found the answer. I chased after that hiding place hard and for a long time. 

I ended up dropping out of high school, and added drugs to my alcohol use. I fell into a new pattern of living with my parents, getting a job, saving up some money, and getting an apartment with friends. Then I would end up spending all my money on drugs and booze, lose my job, lose my apartment, and move back in with my parents. Repeat and repeat. It wasn’t a good life, but damaging my brain with liquor and drugs became my coping mechanism and became my identity. 

After many years of living a life that was less than it should have been, I was given quite a shock. I went to get a refill of my medication, and the doctor insisted on doing bloodwork first. He let me know that because of my use of drugs and alcohol, my liver enzymes were off the charts. If I continued to live this way, I would in fact die. 

Die? 

I haven’t even lived yet, and now I am being told my days were numbered?

I remember asking my parents what I should do. They said they wanted to send me to treatment in sunny South Florida. I shut my mouth and listened. On March 6, 2006, I flew to Palm Beach County and went to treatment. After several months, I moved into a halfway house. In that halfway house, while working my steps with a sponsor, I surrendered my life to Jesus. I’d love to tell you that after that, life has been all rainbows and puppies, but that’s not how life works. What God did give me at that moment was something that had been missing in my life for many years. Jesus gave me hope. I now had hope that there was a plan and a purpose for my life. The process of my life being changed by God’s grace had begun. The seeds of faith planted in my youth began to grow. 

Since that day, God has shown up in my life with blessings and a love that sustains me on the hardest days. Jesus brought me the most beautiful, amazing wife. In His perfect plan, I have two sons that I love in a way I never thought possible. Probably the most powerful thing God has given me is a real identity. I am His. I am redeemed. As I walk out my faith, I lean on Him and His love sustains me. As I have turned over the pain of my past to Jesus, He has used it to reach others, to encourage people who are struggling. He has given me beauty for ashes for His glory and the good of other people. God has planted me in a church family that recognizes that we all come to the foot of the cross broken and will find healing there. He has placed me in the community of Celebrate Recovery, where encouragement and authenticity abound. My struggles may look different than yours, but what God has done in my life, He can and will do for you too. He is good, He is faithful, and He loves you. Don’t give up.

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